By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
