Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
