I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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