I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
well I can't set my house on fire every night
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
