That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
