Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
