It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
