I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
