Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
