life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
