I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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