I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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