I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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