Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
