I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
