I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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