he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
