Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
