awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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