your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
