Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i love accidental penises.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
