between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
