If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
