if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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