Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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