covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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