so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
