I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize