A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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