I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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