When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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