I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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