Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
