we made out on top of his cat.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wear drunk well.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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