Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wish my penis had a tongue
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
