Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He is an equal opportunity slut.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
