drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize