Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
