I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
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I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me