i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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