I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
