enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
