we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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