Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
