i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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