I think I died a long time ago.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
