First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I need to stop coming to work sober
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
