My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
