Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
