Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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