Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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