just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
