I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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