I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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