i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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