I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
