Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
