I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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