I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
