You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I touched a dick in church today
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
